Ian The Spider Costume.

Now, you may remember Ian The Spider Costume from way-back-when, he's cropped up quite a lot in my adventures but he first really came to attention when he webbed the postman to my front step.

Ian is, as has been pointed out, a spider costume.
He is not, and he stresses this most clearly, a spider.
He doesn't like spiders.
They have, in his words, "...a right nasty look in their eyes".
Ian, however, usually has bloodshot eyes.

His size varies on a second-to-second basis, seemingly influenced by situation/mood/alcohol level.
So, when I first met him, he was roughly the size of a bean bag.
Moments later, he was about the size of a brick.
The next evening, he was as large as a rotweiller dog.

I've pressed him on this and he has never been able to explain it... he has mentioned several factors, depending on when I've asked, which have included
an evil curse
a drunken gamble
a mystical machine
a time-travelling police box (I don't know what he thinks about, sometimes, I really don't)
a small wizard
and "... mind your own business."

He did, once, admit to being a mercenary-for-hire (is there another type?) who was able to smuggle goods and/or people inside his spidery inards, and this has proved useful on a recent adventure. Why and how he came into existence, however, is something I can't decipher.

The reason I'm writing about him is that he is the reason that I have become a wanted man. Again.
*sigh*
You think I'd get used to this...