Attack of the pirates!

I've just got in from the police station.

Keira Knightley has gone mental, and is stalking me!
But, worse than that, now she's got Orlando Bloomn involved!


Friday morning, I was rudely awoken by a kerfuffle happening downstairs.
Deadfast naturally was sleeping through it all, so I headed downstairs in my dressing gown (and little else, I might add, it was 5am!), and cautiously opened the door.

"A-har!" a voice shouted at me, as a cutlass was pointed at my throat. "I'll teach you the error of your ways!"
"Um, hello," I said, as casually as someone threatened with death-by-pirate could do. "Can I help at all?"
"You violated my good friend this past day, and I'm here to avenge her!"
"Oh, right."

With that, we both stood there, and nothing was said for a moment.
He looked at me, I looked at him, he looked at his shoes, and then I realised...

"You're Orlando Bloom, aren't you?"
"No! I'm... well, yes, I am Orlando Bloom but I'm in character at the moment as pirate guy, so..."
"Wait a second," I said, pushing his sword away from my neck and opening the door further. "Has this got something to do with that maniac driver the other day?"
"This has everythign to do with that, sir, and you'll mind your manners if you wish to see another dawn!"
"I don't know anyone called Dawn," I told him, and yawned (which I thought quite poetic). "And the sun has just came up."
"Erm..."
"Do you have my wallet?"
"Do I... what... huh?" The young man looked confused, and smoothed out his stick-on moustache. "Eh?"
"Look, you obviously got my address from that woman, who has my wallet, so can I have it back please?"
"Um..."
"Go on."
"Oh, ok..."

With that, he reached into his pantaloon pocket and handed me my wallet back.

"It's empty."
"Yes, well, I had to get a taxi here, and..."
"Oh, I don't really care."
"Oh." He stood there in the doorway, admiring my dressing gown for a moment. "Um... hey?"
"Yes?"
"Was I convincing?"
"As what?"
"A pirate-type?"
"Well, you're no Johnny Depp..."

He didn't listen to the rest of my comments, because he flung his cutlass to the floor and flounced off in a huff.
I closed the door, and shook my weary head.
I needed a cup of tea and some crumpets.


I had my breakfast, and then later on in the afternoonI reported the odd actress to the police.
Hopefully, that'll be the end of it.
The desk sargeant told me that there'd been alot of this lately.
I didn't hang around to ask "Alot of what?".

I'd left the grill on at home...