A celebrity, a monkey, and a bucket of soapy frogs.

We headed into shiny ol' London town.

It was early, so Deadfast had some time to go shopping.
Worryingly, the man loves to shop.
We spent a good two hours in Harrords, where he bought several lampshades and a small belgian waffle.
We went along Oxford Street, but the "common people" scared him so he soon had me back in the car and driving to Regent's Park.
It was in the park, whilst strolling around as Deadfast told me the story of how he almost became the Ethopian Queen, that we saw something we didn't expect.

Jude Law was being attacked by a small monkey!

I rushed over, whilst Deadfast fell about laughing.

Poor Jude.
He was trying to act "cool", but the monkey was a vicious little bugger. It was sitting atop his shoulders, biting his left ear.
"Argh!" he yelled, spinning around like a child's toy. "You got your picture, now get off of me!"

Hang on, I thought to myself. What was this about "got your picture"?
Then it clicked! Jude Law thought that he was being attacked by a member of the tabloid paparazi!

I ran over, and tried to bat it away with a rolled-up copy of The Times.
Unfortunatley, I'd been reading a "small size" copy rather than the "broadsheet" edition, and the monkey barley felt the blows I rained upon it.
"Blast you, tabloid scum!" Jude yelled, falling to the floor. "What more do you want from me!?"

Deadfast, who had by now hired a deckchair from a near-by vendor and was happily eating an ice cream as he watched this drama unfold, laughed heartily as Jude managed to smack me across the throat, renedring me unable to breathe.
I collapsed to the floor, sturggling for breath, and slowly began to turn blue.
It was at this point when a particularly violent backwards headbutt from Jude Law sent the monkey tumbling from his back... and it crashed onto my heaving chest!
I gulped down a desperate mouthful of air, and the monkey ran off into the bushes.

"Hey, guy, are you ok?" Jude bent down, offering me a hand up. "Sorry about that... the press are after me for... well, you know."
"Yes," Deadfast shouted out from his chair. "We know what you've been up to, you bad boy!"

Jude ignored him, and helped me to my feet.
"Thank you, Mr Law."
"Oh, call me Jude, it's fine... um, I'm going to get going, if that's ok?"
"Yeah," I coughed. "I'm ok. I think maybe we should notify the zoo that one of their monkeys is missing, though."
"Don't worry, I'll get my agent straight onto every tabloid in London... how dare he attack me like that just because I didn't want my picture taken!"
"No, that isn't what I meant..."
However, before I could explain to Jude that he'd been attacked by a real monkey from the near-by zoo, he'd promptly marched off. I could see he was already speaking on his mobile phone.

"Well, Walt," I heard Deadfast say from his chair. "That was a thrilling piece of entertainment!"
"I'm glad at least someone enjoyed it..." I muttered, aching for a glass of water or some lemon tea for my throat. "Shall we get going?"
"What a capital idea!" he yelled, leaping to his feet and sending his ice cream tumbling to the floor. "I've always wanted a monkey!"
With that, he charged into the very same bush that the monkey had escaped into.
"I didn't mean that!" I tried to yell, but to late... he was off, chasing the monkey that had been on Jude's back. "Oh, wonderful..."

As I jogged into the undergrowth, I tripped over Deadfast's prone body.
"Down here, boy!" he whispered. "Keep your mouth shut, and your eyes open!"

I hit the ground, and lay flat on my belly, and my eyes followed the finger that Deadfast was
pointing.
Up ahead, in a clearing between the bushes, I couldn't believe my eyes.

"I can't believe my eyes!" I whispered.
"I can't believe the size of his rectum!" Deadfast replied, and I had to agree.

In the clearing ahead was a site I'll never forget.
A man, wearing nothing but a gimp mask, was on all fours.
Behind him, a woman in a buisness suit was reaching into a bucket that was on the ground next to them both. She pulled out something, and promptly pushed the object into the man's bottom!

"BLOODY HELL!" I gasped out loud, and they both looked my way! "Oops."

The woman in the business suit leapt to her feet and ducked into the bushes on the far side of the clearing.
The gimp, for that was all I can think of calling him, got to his feet as quickly as he could and slowly waddled off into the bushes after her.

"Well, we may as well see what was in that bucket," Deadfast mumbled, as he too got to his feet.
"Sorry I scared them off."
"It's ok, lad, I'll see Gerald at the golf club next week. I doubt his secretary will be showing her face for a while, though!"
"You knew them!?!"
"Oh, Walter," he said with a wink. "I know everyone."
With that, he walked into the clearing and peered into the bucket.

"Hmm, I wasn't expecting that!" he exclaimed, turning away. "Cancel the meal at Pierre's tonight... I've gone off French food."
"Oh, ok... why's that?" I said, looking into the bucket. "Oh..."

So, after Deadfast had let me wash the frogs clean, I let them go in a nearby pond, and we headed home.



I never did find that monkey...