Back In Blighty

We're home.

The charming Deadfast, as is his way, fell in love with a Shanghai lady he met in a bar and boy, was she... special.

The good thing is that the Shanghai police department are lovely people and, with a little persuasion (I now owe Lt. Fi-Laan the keys to the ranch in Montana), we escaped a term in jail and were allowed home (for "allowed home" read "escorted to the airport and onto a plane by four burly men with tattoos neck-to-toe").

The Shanghai lady in question turned out to be not so much of a lady as more of a young man dressed up as a lady.
Which Deadfast discovered after a heavy night of boozing, and wasnt' too pleased.
Cue lots of shouting, throwing of things, and Deadfast running into my hotel room at 2am two nights back.

"Walter!"
"Hmm?" I was in bed, and have a habit of crying in my sleep.
"Stop snivelling and help me!"
"Wha?"
"SHE HAD A COCK IN HER HAND AND IT WASN'T MINE!"
"What?"
"She... he... oh, I've come over all queer and need a sit down!"
"Erm..."
There came a knocking at my door... for a moment, I expected a raven (don't ask; I had just woken up and wasn't quite with it yet!).
"Mister, mister... let me in!"

Deadfast went white as a sheet which, considering how red his cheeks were due to the constant boozing, was a site to behold.
"It's her... him... them!"
"How many people have you annoyed?" I wondered, as I put my dressing gown on and went to the door. "I'm letting them all in."
"No, they'll get me!"
"You'll be fine, now..." I swung open the door. "How can I help?"

In came a very attractive young man, dressed as a lady, and my brain clicked.

"I thought she was a he... no, wait... he was a she..." Deadfast wailed. "I'm confused!"
"Mister, you left your wallet in your hotel room and I thought you'd better keep it with you... the maids can sometimes get a little light-fingered in Shanghai."
"Erm..." Deadfast was hiding in my wardrobe. "Go away!"
"I'll take that," I said, offering an apologetic smile. "Sorry about him."
"That's cool, friend," the young man said. "You may want to watch out for the police who are on there way, though..."
"Police?" I asked.
"Yes... if you hadn't noticed, your old friend there is naked."
"I hadn't." I was so used to seeing Deadfast in various states of conciousness and dress, it never crossed my mind that he had burst into my room naked. "Is that a problem?"
"For me? No. For the receptionist, the two maids, the old lady next door to you and the Colonel in room 203, yes."
"Ah."
"He may have startled them a little..."
"I see."
"I think you should get him dressed!"
"Ok, thank you... you speak very good English, by the way."
"I watch a lot of TV..."
"That'd be it."

With that, the young man gave me the wallet and left. He was nice, I thought, as I turned to the wardrobe and realised it hadn't shut properly. It was closed, but there was a small gap and... well, something was peeking out.

"I think," I said, hearing footsteps running towards my room. "We should get you dressed..."



As for the Golden Foot of King Dingle Dangle Dong... we never did find it.
Deadfast's contact was the one who took him to the bar where he met the Shanghai lady, so... that's that.